31 July, 2009

Police brief

College student Ellen Games continued looking at the clipping on Blarin's desk. She noticed several lines of a police brief:
Local authorities are at odds with Blarin Horne, a would-be-inventor. He is working on a device for his car. If another motorist cuts him off, he can, by remote control, activate their air bag.

After reading that clip, Ellen was startled when she looked back up from the desk. The falcon on the roof was now upside down peering in the window at her.


Another entry surfaced in Blarin’s failed dating service attempt. He described himself as a “real indoorsman” sometimes camping in his closet for a couple of days. He added: “I might occasionally venture out for a bit of mantel climbing.”

Blarin thought this would help

Ellen found a sympathetic note Blarin had started to his friend Hank Penelope. Hank had opened a menswear store. He complained to Blarin that only women and their little daughters were coming in. Blarin suggested he rename his store Hank’s.

30 July, 2009

On the desk of Blarin Horne

After the Tulsa episode, Ellen lost track of Blarin. She decided to head back to square one and find Blarin’s penthouse. In the building at the top of a long flight of stairs she came to a locked door. Behind her, a voice said: “Are you Mr. Horne’s new assistant?” She turned and looked. A janitor. Before she could muster an answer, he handed her a key. On the roof she spotted Blarin’s shed with a couple of pigeons and a falcon perched on top. Inside, Ellen sat at Blarin’s desk. There were sacks of article clippings, notes and a copy of Mr. Horne’s manuscript. She looked up and out the window to see the falcon peering in at her upside down.

She noticed a clipping where Blarin had taken out a classified ad about a cat. It was a black cat. The ad read: “Lost cat. Doesn’t answer to the name ‘Pepper.’” The story has it, she found out, the neighbor bellow stuck his head out the window and yelled up at Blarin. “I think I saw your cat,” he said. “I’m pretty sure it was him. He didn’t come when I called his name.”

The consort of Queens

Before Blarin left New York to fulfill his already written memoirs, he had employed the services of a young lady to serve as his personal assistant. Among her duties, she picked up his research materials and daily newspapers. While on the streets of New York tending to these tasks, Blarin insisted she go incognito. She chose to dress as a downtown bag lady and go by the name Mary Scot of Queens.

Blarin and the milk jugs

Back at the karaoke bar in Tulsa, Oxford University student Ellen Games brought up another entry in Blarin’s attempt with a dating service. A question asked if he had any hobbies. Blarin's response: “Yes, I have begun juggling milk jugs. However, I find it much easier if I drink the milk first.”

27 July, 2009

Horne picks the wrong chicken

Blarin once found himself chased away from a church picnic. He’d brought in a caterer with three choices of fried chicken – crispy, extra crispy, or crucifried.

Close encounters

Posed with the question: “Do you have any fantasies?”, Blarin paused as if all mental activity had stopped.
Then he responded abruptly: “I would like a close encounter with space aliens. I’d like to abduct one of them, take them on a drive down the freeway, and return the alien to his crew. He would need to try to explain his unaccountable loss of time.”

26 July, 2009

Blarin in South America

Hoping to organize a field trip experience to the jungles of South America, Blarin asked for applicants to accompany his group. One lone applicant signed on. As Blarin and his group of one approached a remote village, they noticed a warrior running toward them. A witch doctor holding a blow gun stood up and blew a dart. Blarin and his group ducked. The dart hit the witch doctor’s own tribesman in the back.
When Blarin questioned him about the incident, the witch doctor simply stated: “My people are afraid of shots. This is the only way I can immunize them.”

24 July, 2009

Blarin on luck

Blarin, contemplating a visit to Las Vegas, once quipped: “It’s pretty easy to spot bad luck and good luck. It’s neutral luck that is hard to observe.”

Sir Robert Swancutt

In his autobiography, Blarin recalled meeting a man named Sir Robert Swancutt during his dictionary-purchasing trip to the University of Oxford. In an airport terminal, Blarin remembered, Robert seemed very anxious and fidgety.
Taking his seat in the plane, Blarin noticed Robert was sitting next to him. Once aloft, Blarin spoke: “You seemed pretty nervous back there on the ground. You look calm now.”
Reclining in his seat, Robert responded: “Now that we’re in the air I’m fine. You see, I have a fear of not flying.”

19 July, 2009

Memoirs, Goliath and a tornado

To fulfill the goals of his already written memoir’s, Blarin acquired a small horse race track in Kentucky. Along with the deal came a very large horse named Goliath. Thus, he named the track “Goliath Downs”.
During the first race, cameras caught images of the winner with Goliath trailing far in the background. Beyond Goliath could be seen an approaching tornado. The storm heavily damaged the venue. Once repaired, Blarin renamed the track “Hunker Downs”.

Horne's security system

Horne recently installed a high-tech security device hoping to limit unwanted entry to his previously unsecured penthouse. To get in, one needs to place their elbow on a pad while pressing their finger on a print reader while gazing into a retinal scanner. If after the second attempt fails, one is instructed to say into the speaker: “It’s me.”

18 July, 2009

A college newspaper reporter’s account of a Horne sighting

I spotted Blarin Horne in the campus library last fall. Realizing the potential for a story, I approached him. I forgot to start my tape recorder until the brief interview was almost over, but here it is:
“Mr. Horne, you’ve said in a past interview that you never attended Oxford, which no one disputes,” I said. “You said you went there in the early ‘90s on the Concord. What was that trip about?”
“Well, I went to get a copy of the Oxford Dictionary – needed to make a quick reference,” Horne replied.
“You know you could have gotten a copy of that at any book store here in the states, don’t you?” I asked.
Blarin’s response was inaudible.

Weeks later, Horne agreed to a sit-down interview with a new-age magazine writer.
The writer hoped to explore a side of Horne no other reporter had uncovered before.
“They say some people dream in black and white,” the writer told Horne. “Do you dream in black and white or in color?”
Horne seemed ready for the question.
“Not only do I dream in color,” he replied, "but also in Dolby sound.”

15 July, 2009

Tulsa, karaoke and a biclops

Oxford student Ellen Games flew from Kansas City to Tulsa following Horne as he attempted to avoid sunspot activity. She checked into a motel and went to the lounge. There was Blarin behind the karaoke machine.
During his break, Ellen cornered him with a question. “You mentioned in your writings you had no luck attracting a lady through a dating service. On a question about your appearance, you said you were a biclops. What do mean by that?”

Confused, Horne answered: “Well, I have two eyes.”

A news paper clipping on Horne's desk

A reporter once quizzed Blarin about why he attempted to write his unauthorized autobiography so early in life.
Blarin responded: “To avoid procrastination. I decided to write my memoirs now and then set out to do all the things I said I’ve done.”

13 July, 2009

Controversy, interview and sun spots

It seems Blarin Horne has filed suit against himself over a slanderous remark written about himself in his unauthorized autobiography. When asked if rumors of the lawsuit were true, Blarin answered: “It’s as true as you are willing to believe.”

Among his other works, Blarin attempted to publish a coloring book for depressed adults about the life of Ernest Hemingway. But the last few pages didn’t do them any particular good.

Intrigued by Horne’s writings, Ellen Games, a graduate student at Oxford, is taking a hiatus from her summer classes to track down Horne. She hopes to write a research paper about him. Rumors of Horne’s whereabouts led her to the outskirts of Kansas City. By chance, he was one of the first people she found (advice from Horne’s old college roommate that he was “not hard to miss” proved to be true in more than one regard). When she asked Blarin why he was in the Midwestern city, Horne, looking to the sky, responded: “Dodging sunspot activity.”

Ellen soon asked Blarin about a line in his book:
“You wrote about a brief near-death experience in which you were hesitant to look at the bright light at the end of the tunnel,” she asked pointing to a highlighted line in Horne’s unnecessarily controversial book.“What made you finally decide to stare at the light?”
After a brief pause and glance at the sky, Blarin responded: “I needed to sneeze.”

Blarin’s response sounded very weak. Games looked up from her note pad. Blarin was halfway down the block.
Ellen shouted: “What are you doing way down there?”
“The sun spots are moving,” Blarin yelled back. “I’m off to Tulsa.”
She mumbled to herself: “I don’t know if I can afford this.”